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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
