i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
