oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
