you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
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