Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
