my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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