Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
How many fucks given?
0.12846
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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