My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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