i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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