I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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