booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
that's an acceptable place to lick
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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