I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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