watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
