This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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