I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
