my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
false alarm, still single
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
