Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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