Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
My vagina just recognized that song.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
