Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Randomize
