The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
