I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
