also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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