Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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