How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
