i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
