i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
