He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
