First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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