i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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