I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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