I wish you could order shots online.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
