So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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