i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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