Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
