just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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