I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
