I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
