You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
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Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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