my sisters under your porch take her home
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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