Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
