Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
