I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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