She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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