apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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