I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
