Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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