everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
