dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
