Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
