You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
