Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
