he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
