there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
