turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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