Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
