Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
time to smoke my breakfast
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
