Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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