i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
