I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
