I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
