I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
