the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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