True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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