I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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