So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
