You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
