You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
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He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
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Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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