I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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